Product Reviews

Product Reviews

Postby Halleck » Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:27 am

So, I was just looking at some exercise equipment on Amazon when I stumbled across this golden review:
Benjamin Bretz wrote:Subject: I love this more than my own mother., April 12, 2009
This review is from: Iron Gym Total Upper Body Workout Bar - Extreme Edition (Sports)

I was a little leery of making this purchase. Normally, products that seem too simple for too reasonable of a price just never end up satisfying in the way you hope (e.g. The Dodge Neon, anything on Jack in the Box's value menu, my two years at DeVry). But this? Oh. Oh, my faith has been restored in cheap American products.

Because, you see, kids. This is a WELL ENGINEERED cheap American product. Yes, a rarity. I was worried that it would be difficult to assemble. I was worried that it wouldn't really hang from my door frame. I was worried that it would break under my underwhelming 155lbs. I was worried the Utah Jazz wouldn't be able to gear up and start winning road games as the playoffs grew nigh.

I mostly worried for naught.

I assembled the Iron Gym Extreme in about 15 minutes. Probably could have done so a lot more quickly, but I was distracted by Boston Legal on DVD, and by gunning my power ratchet wrench at my cat to stop her from playing in the packing materials.

(Note: You do NOT need your own tools to assemble this product. It comes with a little tool. But you can speed up the process with your own tools. You should have your own tools anyway, you know? Be a man.)

Once you assemble the Iron Gym Extreme, you'll need to pick a doorway. It seemed to fit all my doorways perfectly, but I have heard word of older houses having issues. You will need to insert a small metal wedge into the top of your doorjamb. This helps to secure the device and make sure it doesn't fall on anyone's head. It's not as scary as it sounds, you just kinda shove the thing behind the wood. Then you kinda wiggle it and say "Will that hold it?" Then a few minutes later you say "Gol-darn, it WILL hold it. Ain't that somethin'." Should any friends be standing nearby, this would be an excellent time to exchange high-fives.

I then chin-upped. Well, I tried. God as my witness I had no idea I was such a puss. I had like no upper-body strength. I'm pretty sure I heard my cat laughing at me somewhere down the hall behind me, but the blood was thumping in my ears so I can't be sure. But the bar sure worked!

I didn't give up and kept at the bar. Now, no, several weeks later I'm nowhere close to entering any Ultimate Fighting Competitions or anything, but I can do buttloads of reps now, and my cat has stopped mocking me.

This product has been excellent. Buy with confidence.

The Utah Jazz, however, appear to be headed towards a first-round sweep at the hands of the L.A. Lakers.


I just had to see if this guy had written any other reviews. Lo and behold, he had!

This one was, amazingly, for some K-Y Jelly product:
Benjamin Bretz wrote:Subject: Don't give me that look. I can FEEL your look., October 13, 2009

See, how this all started was, I was walking through a grocery store with a female friend of mine a few weeks back, when we passed the general condom-type area. Glancing down, I saw a row of KY sitting on the bottom shelf. Suddenly it occurred to me that now would be a great time to grab some, because I have this total neurosis about buying stuff like this when I'm shopping alone. I'm always afraid that the cashier is going to see my basket of salt & vinegar chips, frozen chimichangas, bargain bin copy of Jean Claude Van Damme's "Timecop" and the bottle of KY and give me a "You poor, poor little man" look. I'm extremely vulnerable to the judgment of others, so this is an issue. But! Since I was shopping with a female friend, I figured I could fake the illusion that I was currently a bit more social than was the reality ifyouknowwhatImean.

Problem was, I had just leaned down and grabbed the first bottle I saw. Well! Imagine my horror when I got home and saw the words "VAGINAL MOISTURIZER." Oh good heck. I don't HAVE a vagina. Which was the whole purpose behind getting the KY in the FIRST place. I mean I'm embroiled in a long-distance relationship, which is lovely, but there's only so much satisfaction to be had with inappropriate text pictures and sobbing into the phone until 2am.


Anyway. Not wanting to return the bottle and having to explain the ill-thought planning process which led up to my purchase, I decided to make the best of my situation. So, I found some enticing eHarmony banner ads for inspiration and settled in for some quality time.

Long story short, yeah. Guys? I think you could EASILY get away with buying this for yourself. Like, if the store you're in has run out of EVERYTHING except for KY Silk-E and Heineken? Yeah, you've got a weekend ahead of you. Purchase with confidence. Get 'em, tiger.

...And another:

Benjamin Bretz wrote:Subject: The shoe is great. Running however? Running is for CRAZY people., October 4, 2009
This review is from: Salomon Men's XA Pro 3D Ultra Trail Running (Misc.)

I recently decided I'd take up running.

I keep looking back over that sentence in disbelief. See, for most of my life I'd regarded runners and the things they did to themselves with the same incredulous nature as I'd previously reserved for German adult film actors. Yet here I am. A runner. One of those people you see running in 40 degree weather and light snow. Yeah. Four years ago, had you told me this is what I'd be doing, I'd have laughed. Actually I'd have sputtered half a laugh before breaking down into a throaty smoker's hack, face turning red and tears welling around the edges of my eyes. The type of fit that would leave you uncertain as to if you should pat me reassuringly on the back or pick up a phone and dial "9-1" and just ... wait.

Anyway, here I am, a runner. Honestly, I lucked into buying these shoes. Reason I bought them? Thought they looked cool, and they weren't too cheap. See I figured I'd have a rough time getting into running. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FREAKING RUNNING. It's hell on your joints and about as fun as a kidney stone. So I thought the only way to force myself to give it a solid shot would be to buy somewhat not-cheap shoes so I wouldn't want the money to go to waste.

Lucky for me, my running friends tell me I made a good choice. I mean, as far as I can tell, I love them. Extremely comfy, rugged, but at the same time nice and light. One of my friends who was remarking at how sturdy the shoe looked was extremely surprised at its lightweight nature when she picked it up.

Oh! And it has this really nifty Kevlar lacing system. You just jam your foot in there, yank on the little tab thingie attached to the laces and the entire shoe just SUCKS itself onto your foot. Creepy, man. I have to admit I still haven't mastered using the little button release system to undo the laces. I mean I still manage to get the shoes off with no problem, yeah, but. Sometimes I do so a little awkwardly. I'd like to be a little smoother at it, just in case some hottie walks by while I'm doing so. So I can be all "Yeah baby, I know my way around some shoes." And throw down some serious fingergun/wink action. Gets the ladies every time.

I generally use the shoes on rocky trails just outside of town, but I've also done a bit of running around my neighborhood on pavement and sidewalks and such. Seemed pleasing for either environment. Oh and they seem to dry really quickly after stomping through puddles while yelling "SPLASH!" Probably without the yelling too, but I sure wouldn't know.

The only reason I'm giving this shoe 4 stars instead of 5 is that I, uh. I feel kind of presumptuous as a running newb giving anything 5 stars. That seems like just asking for terrible karma. Like, next thing you know I'd totally blow my knee out the next time I went out running. Yeah. And then I'd have to stay home playing Xbox instead of torturing myself out on the trails.

This. This clearly requires more thought.

Anyway. Nice shoes.

UPDATE: I just took said shoes out for a mud-running excursion in the middle of a heavy rainstorm. Holy CRAP. These things are awesome! There were several times where I thought I was going to slip and eat it in some fairly hardcore areas, but each time the shoe's traction totally saved my butt. I only had enough time to partially hurl an expletive like "HOLY G-" or "MOTHERD-" or "SAMMY HAG-" before the tread dug in and I was fine. Man. These things rule. If I ever have a kid, I'm naming it Salomon, no matter what the gender.

Okay, as you were.

I love this guy.
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Re: Product Reviews

Postby Nomi » Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:06 pm

I like anyone that dedicated to writing an entertaining product review. I would read far more if they were like this guy's.
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Re: Product Reviews

Postby Hiemdall » Mon Apr 25, 2011 3:41 pm

And throw down some serious fingergun/wink action. Gets the ladies every time.

Amazingly funny.
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